Anxiety is at an all-time high. People feel overwhelmed, restless, stuck in their own heads.
But here’s the thing—we’ve been treating anxiety all wrong.
Dr. Judson Brewer, a psychiatrist and neuroscientist, discovered something that changes everything. Anxiety isn’t just an emotion—it’s a habit loop. And once you understand how it works, you can break free from it.
In this video, we’ll break down five life-changing insights from his book Unwinding Anxiety—including why willpower can’t stop anxiety, why your brain actually rewards worrying, and the one mindset shift that instantly makes anxiety lose its grip.
And stick around until the end, because I’ve got one bonus insight that most people don’t even realize is keeping them anxious.
Let’s dive in.
1. Anxiety is a Habit Loop, Not Just an Emotion
Most people think of anxiety as something that just happens to them—like an unexpected storm rolling in. You wake up feeling tense, or suddenly, out of nowhere, your mind starts spiraling into worst-case scenarios.
But what if anxiety isn’t just a feeling? What if it’s actually… a habit?
That’s exactly what Dr. Judson Brewer discovered. And once you start looking at anxiety this way, everything starts making sense.
Think about a bad habit you have. Maybe you bite your nails when you’re nervous, scroll through your phone when you’re bored, or grab a snack when you’re stressed. These habits don’t just happen randomly—they follow a pattern.
It goes like this:
Something triggers you. You respond with a behavior. And then, your brain gets some kind of reward—even if it’s not a good one.
Now, here’s where it gets interesting. Anxiety works the exact same way.
Let’s say you have an important deadline coming up. You start feeling uneasy, so your brain looks for a way to cope. Maybe you start overthinking—going through every possible way things could go wrong. Maybe you procrastinate and scroll through social media instead of working.
And what happens? You get a temporary sense of relief. Worrying feels like you’re preparing. Avoiding the task feels like an escape. Your brain takes note and says, “Oh, that helped! Let’s do that again next time.”
And just like that, anxiety becomes a habit.
Now, imagine you get invited to a party.
Your brain immediately starts playing out awkward scenarios—what if no one talks to me? What if I say something dumb? You start feeling uncomfortable, so you cancel at the last minute. And the moment you do, you feel relieved. No more stress about socializing.
But here’s the problem… your brain learns that avoiding social situations makes the anxiety go away. So next time you get invited somewhere, your brain triggers that same anxiety, only faster and stronger. Over time, the anxiety habit gets deeper and deeper.
And this is why anxiety, especially social anxiety, gets worse instead of better. The more you avoid, the scarier it feels.
So what do we usually do? We try to “fight” it. We tell ourselves:
“I need to stop overthinking.”
“Why am I like this?”
“I should just calm down.”
But fighting anxiety doesn’t work—because anxiety isn’t just an emotion, it’s a habit loop.
So if anxiety is a habit… how do we break it?
The first step is recognizing what’s actually happening.
What triggers your anxiety? Is it uncertainty? Deadlines? Social situations? And how do you usually react? Do you overthink? Procrastinate? Seek distractions?
Then, ask yourself: What reward is my brain getting from this? Because even though anxiety feels terrible, your brain still sees a benefit—whether it’s distraction, avoidance, or the illusion of control.
And once you start seeing that the “reward” is actually an illusion, something shifts.
Avoiding social situations doesn’t make you feel better in the long run—it just makes you more afraid of them. Overthinking doesn’t actually prevent bad things from happening—it just drains your energy.
And once your brain realizes that worrying isn’t actually helping, it stops craving it. That’s how you start breaking the anxiety cycle.
2. Willpower Can’t Stop Anxiety—But Curiosity Can
If you’ve ever tried to “just stop worrying,” you already know—it doesn’t work.
You tell yourself, “Calm down.”
You try to force your mind to focus on something else.
You push the thoughts away.
But instead of going away, anxiety digs in even deeper. It’s like trying to hold a beach ball underwater—the harder you push, the more forcefully it pops back up.
So why does this happen?
Because anxiety doesn’t come from logic—it comes from habit. And the part of your brain that controls habits doesn’t listen to willpower.
Here’s what’s really happening inside your brain when anxiety hits.
Your prefrontal cortex—the rational, problem-solving part of your brain—tries to step in. It tells you:
“It’s not that big of a deal. Just relax.”
But when anxiety is strong, your prefrontal cortex shuts down. It’s like your brain goes into survival mode, and no amount of logical thinking can override it.
So when you tell yourself to stop worrying, your brain can’t actually process that command—because it’s too busy trying to prepare for danger, even if that danger isn’t real.
This is why willpower is useless against anxiety.
And what do most people do when willpower fails? They try to distract themselves.
They scroll through social media. They binge-watch Netflix. They do anything to escape the feeling of anxiety.
And for a moment, it works. The anxiety fades into the background. But as soon as the distraction is gone? It comes right back.
Why? Because you didn’t actually deal with it—you just delayed it.
So if willpower and distraction don’t work, what does?
Curiosity.
This sounds almost too simple, but it’s backed by science.
When you feel anxiety, instead of trying to fight it, get curious about it.
Instead of thinking, “Oh no, I feel anxious!” try:
“Hmm… what does this actually feel like in my body?”
Where do you feel it? In your chest? In your stomach? Is it tight, heavy, warm, tingly?
When you do this, something interesting happens—your brain shifts out of fear mode.
Because now, instead of reacting with panic, you’re responding with curiosity. And curiosity activates a completely different part of your brain—one that’s calm, open, and engaged.
And here’s the magic part: the moment you stop resisting anxiety and start observing it, it starts to lose its power.
Let’s say you’re in the middle of a panic attack.
Normally, your first instinct is to resist—“No, no, no. I can’t feel like this right now. It needs to stop.”
But instead, what if you took a deep breath and just observed?
“Okay, my heart is racing. Interesting. What does that actually feel like?”
“My breathing feels shallow. What happens if I take a slow breath?”
“I feel tension in my shoulders. What happens if I just notice it instead of fighting it?”
What you’re doing here is training your brain to see anxiety in a new way.
Instead of something terrifying, it becomes something you can explore. Something that isn’t actually dangerous.
And the more you practice this, the more your brain starts realizing—Oh… I don’t have to react to this anymore.
That’s when anxiety starts to loosen its grip.
Curiosity hijacks the anxiety cycle in the best way possible.
Instead of panic → resistance → more panic…
You get panic → curiosity → calm.
And over time, curiosity becomes the new habit. Your brain learns that curiosity is more rewarding than fear, and anxiety naturally starts to fade.
This isn’t about “controlling” anxiety. It’s about changing your relationship with it so that it stops controlling you.
If you’ve been stuck in the same anxious loops, trying to “force” yourself to stop worrying… just know that it’s not your fault.
Your brain has been trained to respond this way. But the good news? You can retrain it.
And it all starts with this simple shift: instead of fighting anxiety, get curious about it.
3. Your Brain’s Reward System Must Be “Updated” to Break the Anxiety Cycle
Here’s something most people don’t realize: your brain is holding onto anxiety because it thinks it’s helping you.
That sounds weird, right? Who wants to feel anxious?
But the truth is, your brain isn’t trying to torture you—it’s just running an old program, one where worrying, avoiding discomfort, or overanalyzing actually feel like the “right” thing to do.
And until your brain sees that anxiety isn’t rewarding, it won’t stop.
Our brains are designed to seek rewards. If something gives us relief or feels productive—even for a moment—our brain learns, “This is good! Let’s do it again!”
And guess what? Worrying and avoiding things can feel rewarding.
Let’s say you’re worried about an upcoming presentation. Your brain starts running through all the ways it could go wrong.
You think, What if I forget what to say? What if people judge me? What if I embarrass myself?
And even though that spiral feels awful, part of your brain believes that by worrying, you’re somehow preparing.
It’s the same with avoidance. If something makes you anxious—like socializing, or tackling an important task—you might put it off. And when you do? You feel relief.
The problem? That relief is temporary—and your brain just learned that avoidance is a good strategy.
So next time, the anxiety comes back stronger.
This is how anxiety turns into a cycle. Your brain keeps repeating the same pattern because it believes it’s protecting you.
Your brain won’t stop clinging to anxiety until it realizes the reward is an illusion.
The good news? You can update your brain’s reward system by showing it what’s actually happening.
Next time you find yourself stuck in an anxious loop, pause and ask:
“Is this actually helping me?”
Not in theory—in reality.
- Has worrying ever stopped bad things from happening? Or does it just make you exhausted?
- Has avoiding discomfort ever made life easier long-term? Or has it just reinforced the fear?
- Has overanalyzing ever led to the perfect decision? Or did it just keep you stuck?
Once your brain sees that anxiety isn’t truly rewarding, it stops craving it.
And when you give it something better—like mindfulness, curiosity, or simply facing discomfort instead of avoiding it—your brain starts choosing that instead.
How to Put This Into Action?
Imagine you’re feeling anxious about an upcoming conversation.
Instead of automatically reacting with worry, take a moment to really look at what’s happening.
Ask yourself:
“Is worrying actually making me more prepared?”
“Or is it just draining my energy?”
That little pause is everything.
Because the moment you see—wait, this isn’t actually helping—your brain starts rewiring itself.
It starts recognizing that the “reward” of anxiety was never real. And as soon as it does, you’ll naturally start letting go of those old patterns.
Right now, anxiety might feel automatic. Like it just happens to you.
But it’s not. It’s a habit your brain has learned—and habits can be changed.
The key isn’t to “fight” anxiety. The key is to show your brain the truth—so it can let go on its own.
4. Anxiety doesn’t just live in your own mind—it spreads. Like a virus.
Ever been around someone who’s super stressed, and suddenly, you start feeling anxious too? Or maybe you scroll through social media and, within minutes, your mood shifts from calm to overwhelmed?
That’s because anxiety is contagious.
We don’t just think our own anxious thoughts—we absorb them from other people, from the news, from social media, from the collective fear of the world.
And if you don’t realize this is happening, you can get stuck in a constant loop of secondhand stress.
Humans are wired for social learning. We naturally pick up on the emotions of people around us—whether we mean to or not.
It’s an evolutionary thing. If someone in our tribe sensed danger, our brains evolved to mirror their fear so we could react quickly.
The problem? In modern life, we’re constantly surrounded by artificial panic triggers.
- A news headline saying the economy is collapsing.
- A coworker stressing out over something minor.
- A friend overanalyzing their relationship and making you question yours.
Before you even realize it, your nervous system is reacting to things that aren’t even happening to you.
How to Stop Absorbing Other People’s Anxiety?
You can’t control what’s happening in the world. You can’t control other people’s stress.
But you can control how much of it you absorb.
And the first step? Recognizing when it’s happening.
Have you ever felt perfectly fine, then suddenly anxious after a conversation, a social media scroll, or reading the news?
That’s a sign you’ve picked up someone else’s stress.
When that happens, take a step back and ask yourself:
“Wait… was I feeling this way before? Or did I just absorb this from somewhere else?”
Most of the time, you weren’t anxious until you got exposed to someone else’s fear.
That realization alone helps create distance between your emotions and the ones you’ve absorbed.
Just like your body has an immune system to fight off viruses, you can build a mental immune system to stop secondhand stress from taking over.
Here’s how:
- Be Selective About What You Consume
- If the news makes you anxious, limit how often you check it.
- If certain people always stress you out, create boundaries.
- If social media leaves you feeling drained, take a step back.
This isn’t about ignoring reality—it’s about choosing what actually deserves your attention.
- Practice the Pause
When you feel anxiety creeping in, pause for a second. Ask yourself:
“Is this even mine?”
That tiny moment of awareness helps you avoid getting swept away in emotions that aren’t actually yours.
- Ground Yourself in the Present
If you realize you’ve picked up secondhand anxiety, do something to bring yourself back to reality.
- Take a deep breath.
- Stretch your body.
- Focus on what’s actually happening right now—not what your brain (or someone else’s brain) is imagining.
Anxiety thrives in uncertainty, but you are not obligated to carry stress that isn’t yours.
Anxiety spreads the same way fear-based marketing works: if they can make you feel afraid, they can make you act.
The moment you start choosing what and who you absorb energy from, you take back control.
You don’t have to carry other people’s stress. You don’t have to live in a constant loop of secondhand anxiety.
You get to decide what actually matters to you.
5. Self-Compassion is the Ultimate Anxiety Breaker
If you struggle with anxiety, chances are you’ve also been hard on yourself for it.
You’ve probably had thoughts like:
“Why am I like this?”
“I should be stronger.”
“Other people handle stress just fine—why can’t I?”
And every time you judge yourself for feeling anxious, it only makes things worse.
But here’s something most people don’t realize—self-compassion is one of the most powerful ways to break the anxiety cycle.
Not willpower. Not trying to “fix” yourself. Not pushing through.
But actually being kind to yourself.
Think about what happens when you feel anxious.
Your brain is already in fight-or-flight mode, making you feel stressed and overwhelmed. But then, instead of helping yourself through it, you start criticizing yourself for feeling this way.
Now, your brain isn’t just dealing with anxiety—it’s dealing with shame on top of it.
And that shame makes the anxiety stronger, creating a loop where you feel bad… then feel bad for feeling bad… then feel even worse.
It’s exhausting.
And here’s the truth: you don’t judge yourself into healing.
You can’t shame yourself into feeling better.
You break free by doing the opposite—by treating yourself with the same kindness you’d offer a friend.
Imagine your best friend comes to you, overwhelmed and anxious.
Would you tell them, “Ugh, you’re so weak. Why can’t you just be normal?”
Of course not.
You’d probably say something like, “Hey, it’s okay. This is hard, but you’re doing your best.”
Now imagine giving that same kindness to yourself.
Next time you feel anxious, instead of spiraling into self-judgment, try saying:
“It’s okay to feel this way.”
“I don’t have to be perfect.”
“This moment is tough, but I can get through it.”
At first, it might feel strange. But self-compassion calms the nervous system—it tells your brain, “I’m safe. I can handle this.”
And the more you practice it, the more your brain rewires itself to respond with kindness instead of fear.
This isn’t about being passive. It’s not about saying, “Oh well, I guess I’ll just be anxious forever.”
Self-compassion is about giving yourself the support you actually need.
If you’re overwhelmed, instead of forcing yourself to push through, you take a break.
If you make a mistake, instead of beating yourself up, you learn from it and move on.
If anxiety hits, instead of judging yourself, you remind yourself: I’m doing my best.
It’s a mindset shift that changes everything.
Because the less you fight yourself, the less anxiety has a grip on you.
Anxiety thrives on self-criticism. But the moment you start being on your own side, anxiety starts to lose its power.
So if you take away just one thing from all of this, let it be this:
You are not broken.
You are not weak.
You don’t have to fight yourself anymore.
You can heal—and self-compassion is the way forward.
here’s a bonus insight that can rewire your brain for calm in just two weeks.
Gratitude.
Neuroscientists have found that regularly focusing on gratitude rewires the anxious brain—literally training it to focus on what’s good instead of what’s scary.
And it’s simple: At the end of each day, just write down three things you’re grateful for.
Try it for two weeks—and watch how your brain starts shifting.
If this helped you, send it to someone who needs to hear this today.
See you next time, thanks for reading.
