The Conscious Parent by Shefali Tsabary (Book Summary, Quotes, And Review)

About The Author

The Conscious Parent was written by Dr. Shefali Tsabary, a world-renowned clinical psychologist and New York Times best-selling author.

She has published several books on conscious parenting and is an advocate for helping parents develop healthy relationships with their children.

Dr. Tsabary has been featured in many major media outlets, including The Oprah Winfrey Show, the New York Times, and TEDx talks.

She is also a sought-after international speaker, who has helped transform parenting around the globe.

Bullet Summary: The Conscious Parent by Dr. Shefali Tsabary

• Raising a child requires a lot of learning and understanding of psychology to establish the right foundations in their mind.
• Parents need to focus on their own inner transformation and self-realization to better understand their child’s psychology.
• Don’t let ego do the parenting; be humble and accept your flaws to set an example for your child.
• Conflicts can help teach children how to make wise decisions.
• Accept the unique talents of your child and provide them with the right environment to nurture those talents.
• Don’t be too harsh on your children, and always be willing to listen to them and understand their feelings.

The Conscious Parent Summary

Why do parents often find themselves struggling to connect with their children?

After all, don’t all parents want the best for their children?

Why do many children feel that their parents don’t understand them, and connect better with their friends?

In this book summary, we’ll explore the core concepts of conscious parenting and how it can help you build a strong bond with your children.

Alrighty, without further ado, let’s get started.

Lesson #1: All parents assume they are doing a good job raising their children.

The parenting model you have in your mind is outdated.

Many parents don’t learn proper parenting techniques before raising their children.

Heck, many of them don’t realize that one has to learn parenting in the first place.

They simply assume that their parents did a fantastic job, and therefore they apply the same model to their children.

This is where things can go wrong.

Most parents have absolutely no idea that parenting is not just about teaching discipline and punishing them.

Children mirror their parents, friends, and anybody they find attractive due to their innocence.

They have no idea or any filter to choose a worthy person.

They can’t judge anything yet.

The parents who assume they are good already are usually the ones who are bad at parenting.

Want to know why?

That’s because they have stopped learning.

Parenting is an ongoing process.

It’s not something that you just learn and say, “I know it all.”

You have to keep evolving all the time.

You can’t just relax and say, “My kid will figure everything out.”

Parenting requires commitment and energy akin to running a successful startup.

Let’s discuss how in the next lesson.

Lesson #2: Raising a child is as hard as running a successful startup.

It’s not easy. If you thought it would be, think again.

Imagine running a startup. It requires great effort, right?

You don’t know which idea will work.

There are many factors and challenges to tackle.

And the probability of failure is often high.

Any small mistake or bad move could have ramifications.

It requires a lot of testing and learning to figure things out.

Raising a child is similar.

It’s not just about feeding and nurturing the body; it’s also about establishing the right foundations in the mind.

How can any parent understand their child’s mind if they are unaware of their own?

Things get tricky here because you can’t touch your mind, and you can’t physically see it either.

It can be difficult to understand what is going on in someone else’s mind if you don’t have a basic understanding of psychology.

Children’s minds are excellent absorbers; they absorb everything and anything without filtering it initially.

That’s why a lot of care and training is needed to ensure effective parenting.

Lesson #3: Children can help us undergo inner transformation if we are aware.

So, what is the right way of parenting if most people totally misunderstand it?

To be honest, there is no one right way.

It’s a process.

And the interesting part is: It’s more about you who you are as a person than it is about the kid.

Most parents are not aware of themselves, and due to a lack of self-consciousness, they fail to connect with their kids on a deeper level.

As a result, they remain unaware of their children’s psychology.

Kids often feel that their parents don’t understand them, while parents believe they are playing their role perfectly well. This is a dilemma faced by almost every child around the world.

Who is to blame here? Are the children at fault? Or is it the parents’ fault that the children are not listening?

Parents are more mature, while kids have more energy and a fresh mind. This doesn’t mean that parents don’t know anything; all that is needed is a little shift in mindset.

We have to think and look at parenting from a different perspective and try to understand what is causing the problem repeatedly.

The author encourages inner transformation to master the art of parenting.

But doesn’t it sound weird, “INNER TRANSFORMATION for PARENTING”?

Any normal parent would think, “why do I have to go through transformation and all that hard work? I’m not a kid anymore.”

After all, it’s the kid who has to learn, right?

Not really.

As most people don’t understand the basic building blocks of psychology, they forget how their self-conflicts could manifest in their children.

For example, if a parent is obsessed with society’s approval, they may unconsciously teach their child to base their major life decisions on what other people think.

That kid would always struggle with issues related to self-esteem.

You see, nobody is born great. Most of what we do in our lives, what we achieve, and how we ultimately view the world is decided by our conditioning.

Well, unless you embark on a journey of self-discovery, which only a small percentage of people do.

Parents contribute a lot to that conditioning. If they are not aware of how their actions are impacting their child’s mental health or overall development, it can be difficult to predict if the child will reach their highest potential in the future.

Lesson #4: Don’t try to be a perfect parent; just become more conscious with each passing moment.

On one side, there are parents who don’t realize that they are making serious mistakes while parenting.

On the other hand, there are parents who are overly controlling. They want their children to be perfect and to achieve countless things, so they can gain a boost in their status.

You must have seen parents who always brag about how brilliant their kid is.

For instance: “My kid scores the highest marks in the class and makes no spelling mistakes.”

It’s okay to be happy about your kid’s achievements. However, perfectionist parents often pressure their children to be the best at everything.

Subconsciously, they train their children that failure is bad — that it’s not okay to fail.

Over time, that child starts thinking that if they fail, their entire world will collapse and nobody will respect them.

But you know, reality doesn’t work like that. People fail all the time, and it’s very common. Usually, there is always another chance. And, in the worst case, if there isn’t much choice, we can figure something out.

Parents punish their kids if they don’t perform well academically. Surprisingly, many of them don’t even know the syllabus their child is studying.

They are more worried about the result, which is “what grade will my child have on the report card?”

Such parents think that they are doing good for their children by teaching them discipline.

It’s okay to teach discipline, but focusing on just one aspect, like marks on the final report card, is not a great approach.

Grades don’t tell the whole story.

In fact, education is not about how much you have scored. It’s more about how much you have understood and how much you can apply in your life.

Now, honestly, how many parents view education this way?

Not many, right?

Without knowing the true purpose of education, they force their thought process on their children, thinking that it’s okay to do so.

If parents focus on inner transformation first, they’ll see that you are not perfect — their ideas are faulty too.

They will see that they need to learn as much as their children.

The best part of this approach is that their children will also learn the importance of self-growth and self-realization.

Wondering what self-realization is?

Let’s discuss.

Lesson #5: Don’t let your ego do the parenting.

You can’t call yourself self-aware if you don’t understand your ego.

Most people think that being humble in general means they don’t have an ego.

However, this is not true.

It doesn’t matter whether you are kind or not; everyone has an ego.

Allow me to explain.

Ego is not just about being rude. If you have an attachment to your thoughts, beliefs, emotions, or any object in the world, you have ego.

In simple terms, if you have an identity, you have an ego.

I’m not saying that having thoughts, emotions, or a positive self-image is bad. You don’t have to abstain from them; just don’t attach your sense of worth to them.

Most parents, or people in general, don’t accept their flaws.

That’s because, if they accept their flaws, they’ll have to change.

Change is hard; nobody likes it.

The more rigid your beliefs are about yourself, the harder it will be for you to change.

So, what do those people do?

They try to change others.

Such parents often blame their children for everything.

They try to control their children and impose their perception.

And if someone tells them their flaws, they tend to avoid facing reality.

It’s hard for us to accept our flaws; change threatens our sense of identity.

Such parents can often become toxic.

If parents see their child doing something different from their expectations, they may become angry and start shouting.

This happens because our ego is so insecure that it wants to be in control of everything. Change is uncomfortable for most adults, as they have an identity to protect now.

While children love to explore, which most adults stop doing, they fear risks and failure, limiting the growth of children.

When you parent with ego, you train your child to fear change; this hinders them from becoming fearless.

This way, parents prevent their children from unleashing their true essence of being.

They forget that their children are different and entirely unique individuals.

They don’t have to behave like you do. They don’t have to live the same life as you. They don’t have to be perfect. They don’t have to live up to your expectations.

It’s okay if they make mistakes.

It’s okay if they are illogical and do things just for fun.

To some parents, this might sound strange. However, remember that only by seeing life from a new perspective can they reconnect with their children and help both themselves and their children the most.

Lesson #6: Conflicts can help you teach your children how to make wise decisions.

Don’t avoid conflicts, they are good as they help learn valuable life-lessons.

The author discusses how most parents act like a military general, setting hard rules.

They became an unquestionable authority.

In other words, they silently tell their children that authorities are always right and should not be questioned for the best future.

The problem is:

Life is all about making difficult decisions.

If you don’t practice decision-making in your childhood, you may struggle to make major life decisions, such as those related to career and dating, later in life.

You’ll continually search for authorities to provide answers to the puzzling problems in life.

Wise parents must teach their children how to make wise decisions, so they can become confident in their ability to decide.

Start by having open conversations with your children about their decisions. Encourage them to ask questions and think analytically about their choices.

Teach them to differentiate between short-term and long-term benefits of different decisions.

Furthermore, don’t forget to give them space to make mistakes, and then explain why they are mistakes.

Tell your children that it’s okay to fail and all those failures are there for a reason. Tell them how those failures will strengthen them.

You will find times when your children won’t agree with your rules or advice. That’s okay.

Parents might feel that their children don’t listen to their advice. That’s OK too.

Small conflicts are a part of any healthy relationship.

Don’t avoid debates with your children, thinking that you’ll offend, them.

Ultimately, debates provide clarity, if both parties are willing to change for the better future.

Lesson #7: Accept the unique talents of your child.

The worst thing you can do with your children is to prevent them from expressing themselves.

Every child has something special and unique to offer, and it is important to nurture and encourage these talents instead of trying to make them fit into a certain mold.

It is also essential to provide your children with the right environment, support, and resources to help them develop and nurture their talents.

This can be anything from providing them with access to music or dance classes, to simply giving them the time and space to explore and develop their talents.

The reason it is critical to discuss this is that today it’s common for children to defy their parents.

We often call such kids “bad kids.”

But the harsh reality is that no kid is bad by default.

Those children who bully others often have traumas or other underlying issues.

They crave attention and want to feel significant by becoming the authority and have a feeling of superiority.

Why do they wish all that?

Because maybe they weren’t taught by their parents and were always ignored. Perhaps their parents were just too busy that they ignored them and never made them feel important.

Look, we are not encouraging those bullies here.

We are trying to understand why would a kid turn defiant and do those things.

The thing is: We all have an inherent desire to be heard.

Many problems can be solved if parents pay attention to their children’s behavior in the early years without letting their emotions interfere.

Kids often hide things from their parents because they don’t feel comfortable enough and fear that they will have to face consequences if they express their unfiltered thoughts.

Parents tend to become hyperactive when they find out that their kid messed something up.

Heavy punishment and scolding often backfire. Those techniques do more damage than good.

Understand that every child is different.

One must learn about their child through experience.

There are no hard rules that apply to all children.

In fact, those rules often reduce the respect children have for their parents.

Be flexible and ready to change; that’s the only way to succeed and become a good, conscious parent.

The Conscious Parent Quotes

These are some of the notable quotations from this book:

1. “Children aren’t ours to possess or own in any way. When we know this in the depths of our soul, we tailor our raising of them to their needs, rather than molding them to fit our needs.”
2. “It’s no surprise we fail to tune into our children’s essence. How can we listen to them, when so many of us barely listen to ourselves?”
3. “So defensive are many of us that, let someone say a word about our parenting style, and we are instantly triggered.”

The Conscious Parent Review

Last update on 2023-01-15 / Affiliate links / Images from Amazon

Pros

1. The book is insightful and a must-read for anyone who wants to become a great parent.
2. Tells you the most effective techniques, instead of rules that often backfire.
3. Plenty of examples are given to explain why self-realization should be at the center of parenting instead of demonstrating who is the boss.
4. It helps parents to understand that inner transformation is necessary to become a great parent.
5. The author has a holistic view of parenting, which is a good thing.

Cons

1. Longer than it should be.
2. The book might not be suitable for those who are looking for a quick fix or an instant solution to parenting problems.
3. Does not provide step-by-step guidance for parents to follow.
4. Some concepts discussed in the book can be hard to grasp for parents who are not familiar with psychology.

You can buy the book in your preferable format below.

Get the Audiobook: Listen free with Audible Trial

Get the MP3 CD: Buy on Amazon

Get the Paperback version: View price on Amazon

Now It’s Your Turn

Parenting is a journey full of joy and challenges.

It is a process of self-discovery and inner transformation. By becoming more conscious and aware, you can become the best version of yourself, and in turn, be a better parent to your children.

With the right attitude, parenting can be a wonderful experience that will help you and your children grow and reach their highest potential.

I hope you enjoyed this book summary.

Thanks for reading.