Let me start with a question: Did you know that nearly 67% of first marriages end in divorce within 40 years? Think about that for a moment. That’s over two-thirds of couples who once stood in front of their loved ones, promising forever, only to find themselves on separate paths. Now, why is that? Is it because love fades? Because people change? Or could it be something deeper?
Dr. John Gottman, one of the world’s leading relationship experts, has spent over 40 years researching this exact question. At the Seattle Love Lab, he observed thousands of couples—newlyweds, long-time partners, and even those on the brink of divorce—to uncover what truly makes a marriage work. What he discovered was both simple and groundbreaking.
Dr. Gottman could even predict, with 91% accuracy, whether a couple would stay together or eventually separate after observing just five minutes of how they interact. He didn’t base this on opinions or guesswork but on hard data gathered over decades. And through this research, he developed The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work—a practical, research-backed framework to help couples not just survive, but thrive.
Today, I’m going to walk you through these seven principles. Whether your relationship is thriving, struggling, or somewhere in between, these principles can help. They’ll teach us how to strengthen emotional bonds, navigate conflicts, and create a deeper sense of connection with our partners.
Let’s begin by exploring what truly makes a happy marriage. Spoiler alert: it’s not what you think!
The Foundation of Happy Marriages
In his research Gottman discovered something fascinating. Whether a couple would stay together or eventually divorce had nothing to do with how wealthy, intelligent, or even romantic the couple was. The key factor was emotional intelligence.
Emotionally intelligent couples do something simple yet powerful: they balance the negative and positive in their relationship. They still argue, get annoyed, or feel hurt at times—that’s normal. But they also know how to stay connected, honor each other, and keep the positive moments alive. Their friendship becomes the foundation that holds everything together.
Now, let’s debunk a few common myths about marriage. You’ve probably heard people say, “Communication is everything.” It sounds logical, but Gottman’s research shows that communication alone isn’t enough. In fact, many happy couples don’t resolve all their conflicts. They simply learn to live with their differences.
Another myth? “Avoiding conflict will ruin your relationship.” Not true! Some couples thrive even if they sweep disagreements under the rug. It’s not about how much you fight—it’s about how strong your bond is outside of the arguments.
And here’s one more: “Affairs are the main reason for divorce.” Actually, most divorces don’t happen because of cheating. They happen because couples lose their emotional connection. They stop feeling valued, supported, and loved.
So, what’s the secret? Friendship. In happy marriages, partners know each other deeply. They respect each other’s quirks, enjoy each other’s company, and share small moments of connection every day. This friendship acts as a safety net. It doesn’t eliminate conflict but makes it easier to handle. When your marriage is built on a strong friendship, even the tough times won’t break you.
Principle 1 – Enhance Your Love Maps
Now that we’ve talked about the foundation of a happy marriage, let’s move into the first principle: Enhance Your Love Maps.
So, what exactly is a Love Map? Think of it as the roadmap to your partner’s inner world. It’s knowing the little and big things that matter to them—their favorite songs, the foods they dislike, their life goals, their deepest fears, and even the small stresses they’re dealing with this week.
Couples with detailed Love Maps tend to have stronger relationships. Why? Because when you truly know your partner, you build a deeper emotional connection. This connection helps you navigate life’s inevitable changes and challenges. Whether it’s a new job, a financial setback, or even starting a family, couples with strong Love Maps are better equipped to handle stress together.
But here’s the thing: Love Maps aren’t static. People grow, change, and evolve. What mattered to your partner five years ago might not matter today. That’s why enhancing your Love Map is an ongoing process.
So, how do you do it? Start by simply asking questions. For example, you might ask:
- “What’s your biggest stress right now?”
- “What’s a dream you’ve always wanted to achieve but haven’t?”
- “Who in your life has been inspiring you lately?”
These questions might seem small, but they’re incredibly powerful. They show your partner that you care enough to understand them on a deeper level.
You can also turn it into a fun exercise.
Try playing what Gottman calls the “Love Map Game.” Sit down together and take turns asking each other questions, like:
- “What’s your partner’s favorite way to relax?”
- “What was the best moment of their childhood?”
- “What’s something they’ve been worried about lately?”
Each time you get an answer right, you earn a point! But the real reward isn’t the game—it’s the closeness you build by simply learning more about each other.
This principle reminds us that love isn’t just about grand gestures or romance. It’s about paying attention, showing interest, and being curious about your partner’s world. The more detailed your Love Map, the stronger your connection—and the easier it will be to navigate life’s twists and turns together.
Principle 2 – Nurture Fondness and Admiration
The second principle for making marriage work is Nurture Fondness and Admiration. If Love Maps are about knowing your partner, fondness and admiration are about valuing and appreciating them.
Fondness and admiration are the bedrock of any successful marriage. They’re what allow you to see your partner in a positive light, even when times are tough. Without them, negative feelings like contempt can take over—a dangerous sign for any relationship.
Think back to when you first fell in love. What were the qualities that drew you to your partner? Maybe it was their sense of humor, their kindness, or their ambition.
Over time, we can lose sight of these traits as life gets busy or conflicts arise. But nurturing fondness and admiration is about keeping those positive feelings alive.
So, how do we do this? Start by intentionally focusing on your partner’s good qualities. Take a moment to reflect: What do you admire about them today? Is it their patience? Their dedication to your family? Their ability to make you laugh when you need it most?
It’s also important to express this appreciation. Sometimes, the simplest gestures have the biggest impact. Try saying, “Thank you for being so supportive,” or “I really admire how hard you work.” A little gratitude goes a long way.
Here’s a great exercise you can try: Sit down with your partner and share a story about what made you fall in love with them. For example, “I remember the time you stayed up all night helping me with my project. That’s when I knew how much you cared about me.” Reconnecting with these memories reinforces the love and admiration you have for each other.
Another idea: Make a list of the things you admire about your partner and share it with them. It could include anything from “You’re a great parent” to “I love how you make me feel safe.” Sharing this list can be a beautiful moment of connection.
The key takeaway here is that fondness and admiration act as a buffer during tough times. When conflicts arise, these feelings remind you why you chose your partner in the first place. They strengthen your friendship and give you the resilience to face challenges together.
Principle 3 – Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away
The third principle is Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away. This principle might sound simple, but it’s incredibly powerful. It’s about the little moments—the everyday gestures of connection—that build the foundation of a strong marriage.
So, what does turning toward mean? Imagine your partner says, “Look at this funny meme I found.” It might seem trivial, but how you respond in that moment matters. Do you stop what you’re doing to engage, or do you brush it off with, “Not now, I’m busy”? Turning toward your partner means choosing to engage. It’s these small acts of connection that strengthen your bond over time.
Research shows that happy couples consistently turn toward each other. They make an effort to notice and respond to their partner’s bids for attention, affection, or support. These bids can be as small as a smile or a sigh. When you respond positively—by smiling back or asking, “What’s on your mind?”—you’re reinforcing your emotional connection.
Why does this matter so much? Because relationships are built in the small, everyday moments, not just the big events. It’s easy to think, “We’ll have a romantic vacation and everything will be fine,” but that’s not how strong marriages work. They’re built on habits, like sharing coffee in the morning, checking in during the day, or watching a favorite show together at night.
Here’s a practical tip: Make an effort to notice your partner’s bids for connection. These might be verbal, like, “How was your day?” Or they could be nonverbal, like a smile or a touch. When you notice these moments, respond positively. Show that you’re present and engaged.
Another idea is to create rituals of connection. For example, take 10 minutes every day to talk without distractions—no phones, no TV, just each other. It doesn’t have to be about anything deep. Simply sharing your day can work wonders.
Turning toward each other might seem small, but it’s one of the most important habits for a healthy marriage. Each time you choose to engage with your partner, you’re making a deposit in the “emotional bank account” of your relationship. Over time, these deposits build a reserve of goodwill and connection that can help you weather any storm.
Principle 4 – Let Your Partner Influence You
The fourth principle is Let Your Partner Influence You. This principle is about creating a true partnership in your marriage—one where both people feel heard, valued, and respected.
At its core, letting your partner influence you means being open to their ideas, opinions, and feelings. It’s about recognizing that your partner brings something valuable to the table and allowing their perspective to shape your decisions. In other words, it’s a reminder that you’re a team.
Why is this so important? Gottman’s research shows that relationships built on mutual respect and equality are much more likely to succeed. Interestingly, the data also reveals that men, in particular, benefit greatly from this principle. Men who allow their wives to influence them tend to have happier marriages and are less likely to end up divorced.
But let’s be honest—letting your partner influence you isn’t always easy. Sometimes, our egos get in the way. We might think, “I know what’s best” or “Why should I have to compromise?” But the truth is, insisting on control can push your partner away and create unnecessary conflict.
So, how can we practice this principle? Start by listening with an open mind. When your partner shares an idea, don’t dismiss it right away. Instead, acknowledge their perspective and consider how it might work. Practice saying things like, “That’s a good point” or “I hadn’t thought of it that way.”
Here’s an example: Let’s say you’re discussing how to manage your household budget. If your partner suggests cutting back on dining out to save money, instead of saying, “That’s not going to work,” try saying, “That’s an interesting idea—let’s talk about how we can make it happen.”
Another example might be planning a vacation. Instead of insisting on your dream destination, ask your partner, “What’s important to you in a vacation?” Then, work together to find a solution that meets both of your needs.
Letting your partner influence you doesn’t mean giving up control or always agreeing with them. It simply means valuing their input and finding ways to collaborate. When both partners feel heard and respected, the relationship becomes stronger, more equal, and more fulfilling.
Principle 5 – Solve Your Solvable Problems
The fifth principle is Solve Your Solvable Problems. Every couple faces conflicts, but not all of them are deal-breakers. Many of these problems are solvable if we approach them with the right mindset and tools.
Solvable problems are usually about everyday issues—things like dividing chores, managing finances, or agreeing on parenting styles. They don’t stem from deep personality clashes or core values. And because they’re solvable, we can address them without unnecessary stress if we follow a few simple steps.
Step one is to start softly. This means avoiding harsh start-ups where the conversation begins with blame or criticism. For example, instead of saying, “You never help with the chores,” try, “I feel overwhelmed when the dishes pile up. Can we figure out a way to handle them together?” This shifts the focus from attacking your partner to solving the problem.
Step two is to repair and de-escalate. In the middle of an argument, it’s easy to let things spiral out of control. But small gestures—like a smile, a joke, or saying, “I’m sorry, let’s try again”—can keep the conversation calm and productive.
Step three is compromise. No one gets everything they want in a relationship. The goal is to find solutions that work for both partners, even if they’re not perfect for either of you. This requires flexibility and a willingness to meet halfway.
And finally, step four is to tolerate each other’s faults. Let’s face it: no one is perfect. Instead of focusing on your partner’s flaws, remind yourself of their strengths and the bigger picture of your relationship.
Here’s an example: Imagine you and your partner are arguing about household chores. One way to solve this problem is to sit down together and divide responsibilities fairly. Maybe one person handles the dishes while the other takes care of laundry. You can agree to revisit the arrangement in a few weeks to make sure it’s working for both of you.
Another common issue is budgeting. If money is a source of conflict, set aside a specific time each week to discuss finances calmly. Create a budget together and check in regularly to see how things are going. This helps you stay on the same page without letting stress build up.
The key takeaway here is that solvable problems don’t have to turn into major conflicts. By approaching them with kindness, patience, and a willingness to compromise, you can strengthen your relationship while resolving everyday issues.
Principle 6 – Overcome Gridlock
The sixth principle is Overcome Gridlock. This principle addresses one of the most frustrating challenges in any marriage—when you find yourself having the same argument over and over again without resolution. Gottman calls this gridlock, and it happens when conflicts are tied to deeper values or dreams.
So, why does gridlock occur? Often, it’s because the issue isn’t just about the surface-level argument—it’s about something much more personal. For example, a disagreement about moving to the city versus staying in the suburbs might seem like a logistical choice, but it could actually be about one partner’s dream of pursuing a career or the other’s desire for a peaceful lifestyle.
The first step to overcoming gridlock is to understand the dream behind the conflict. Take a moment to ask yourself and your partner: Why does this matter so much to you? What emotions, values, or dreams are tied to this issue? When you approach the conflict with curiosity rather than judgment, you can uncover the deeper layers of meaning.
Next, open up a dialogue. This isn’t about convincing your partner to see things your way—it’s about truly listening to each other. Use gentle communication to express how you feel and encourage your partner to do the same. For example, you might say, “I feel anxious about moving to the city because I value the sense of community we have here,” instead of, “You’re being selfish for wanting to move.”
Once you’ve uncovered the deeper meaning, the next step is to make peace with the problem. Not all conflicts can be fully resolved, and that’s okay. The goal is to find ways to live with the issue while still honoring each other’s feelings and dreams.
Finally, work together to create compromises. Let’s go back to the example of moving. If one partner wants the excitement of the city and the other craves the calm of the suburbs, perhaps you can find a middle ground—a smaller town close to the city, or frequent trips to experience both lifestyles.
The key takeaway here is that gridlock doesn’t have to derail your relationship. By approaching these conflicts with empathy and openness, you can transform them from a source of tension into an opportunity for deeper connection and understanding.
The seventh and final principle is Create Shared Meaning. This principle is about taking your relationship beyond the day-to-day and building a sense of purpose together. It’s what turns a partnership into a legacy.
So, what does shared meaning look like? It’s the rituals, traditions, and values that define your relationship. It could be something as simple as always having breakfast together on Sundays or as meaningful as a shared dream of raising a family or traveling the world. These shared experiences and goals create a bond that’s deeper than just love—they give your relationship a unique identity.
Why is this important? Because relationships aren’t just about solving problems or managing conflict. They’re about building something bigger than yourself. Shared meaning helps couples feel united, even when they face challenges or disagreements. It reminds you that you’re on the same team.
How do you create shared meaning? Start by developing rituals of connection. These can be small, everyday habits, like a goodnight kiss or a Friday movie night. Or they can be larger traditions, like celebrating birthdays in a special way or taking an annual vacation. The key is to make these rituals meaningful to both of you.
Next, talk about your shared goals. What do you want to achieve together in the next year, five years, or even twenty years? Maybe it’s starting a business, buying a home, or volunteering for a cause you both care about. Writing down these goals can make them feel tangible and exciting.
You can also explore your shared values. What principles guide your life and relationship? For example, you might prioritize adventure, kindness, or spiritual growth. Discussing these values helps you align your choices with what matters most.
Finally, honor each other’s roles in the relationship. Acknowledge the unique ways your partner contributes to your life and celebrate them. Whether it’s their support during tough times or their ability to make you laugh, showing appreciation strengthens your bond.
For example, imagine you and your partner love cooking together. You could create a weekly “date night” where you try a new recipe, enjoy the meal, and talk about your week. Or, if you’re passionate about community service, you could volunteer together at a local shelter. These activities not only bring you closer but also give your relationship a deeper sense of purpose.
The key takeaway here is that shared meaning transforms your relationship from something you maintain to something you cherish. It’s the glue that holds you together and the compass that guides you through life’s ups and downs.
Conclusion
Thank you for joining me on this journey through the seven principles of a lasting marriage. Remember, every relationship has its own unique rhythm, challenges, and joys.
These principles aren’t about perfection—they’re about connection, growth, and shared purpose. So, take what resonates with you and begin where you are.
Because in the end, a happy marriage isn’t built in a day—it’s built every day.
