How To Not Die Alone by Logan Ury (Summary & Review)

How To Not Die Alone by Logan Ury is a definitive guide for finding true love or choosing the right partner while dating and building a great relationship for the long term with your partner.

How To Not Die Alone Summary [PDF]

Traditional dating was very different from modern dating.

Modern dating is complex.

The dating scenario has changed a lot.

Back then, people didn’t have the internet.

Most lovers talked through letters that took days to get delivered.

Many didn’t even get to decide on their partners.

The parents made matches based on social class or community.

Today, there are things like “casual relationships” or “friends with benefits.”

But still, many people find it hard to find a perfect partner for themselves, and even harder to sustain a relationship in a healthy way.

In this book summary, I’ll share some of the best lessons from this book that will help you find your ideal partner and build a great relationship.

Alrighty, so without further ado, let’s dive right in.

Lesson #1: Too many options create confusion and uncertainty.

More options aren’t always good.

Especially when we talk about choosing a partner and having a great relationship.

There is a thing called decision fatigue.

When our mind is exposed to so many choices, we get overwhelmed and give up.

It results in no action.

Just go to any dating site or matrimonial website. You’ll get overwhelmed by the sheer number of choices you have.

It’s more complicated than buying a laptop and watching reviews.

This is because here, human emotions are involved.

Picking a partner is a big decision for anybody.

So, the fear of making a wrong decision paralyzes us when we compare different options.

Moreover, the factors are just too many.

From looks to nationality, from culture to profession, there is an overwhelming number of options.

It’s only natural to get confused and become uncertain.

What if you choose the wrong partner?

The choices don’t end even after selecting the right partner.

There are personal choices as well.

The author talks about how we have more freedom than ever before.

We can live anywhere in the world as long as it’s safe.

We are already making thousands of choices every day. Dating is just another burden if one doesn’t know what kind of partner they want.

There is also significant family pressure.

In many countries, parents still expect their kids to marry someone they like.

And if all that wasn’t enough, kids are never taught about dating in schools. You know, it’s something you should do when you grow up.

So, no proper education is provided anywhere.

There are all sorts of bad advice from people who themselves have terrible relationships.

What is the key idea here?

The lesson here is that the more expectations you’ll have in your mind, the more options you’ll look at, and the more confused you’ll ultimately become about dating.

But do you know why most people are confused and never satisfied with their partners?

Some don’t even find one partner they can call their “true love.”

Let’s discuss why this happens in the next lesson.

Lesson #2: If you are struggling with dating, you might have unrealistic expectations about relationships.

Here is the truth:

Fairy tales only exist in the movies.

And if you believe in them, you will have a hard time dating and finding a suitable partner for yourself.

The reason?

There is no perfect partner.

Ask yourself: Are you perfect?

Probably not, right?

But many people forget this when they search for partners.

They think there is someone special in the world that the Supreme made just for them.

People start believing in destiny after watching movies.

Think about how every Disney female character gets a handsome, charming prince, and they live happily ever after.

If only real life worked like that.

This doesn’t happen in real life.

Yes, people may be handsome and charming, but relationships demand lifelong commitment to sustain.

It’s not like once you marry a perfect person, all the problems in your life would magically disappear.

Many people believe in such romantic stories and keep waiting for a perfect partner until they realize they are already late and no such person exists.

Being REALISTIC is the key here.

Don’t expect your partner to be perfect.

Every person comes with good and bad habits, just as you do.

Searching for the perfect partner will lead you nowhere.

This romanticism also creates issues when you enter a relationship or marry.

You put a lot of pressure on your partner by burdening them with many expectations.

And thus, the quality of the relationship suffers in the long term.

This is also why many people don’t start dating early in their lives. They keep feeling underconfident and suffer from low-esteem.

Many people build an unrealistic image of themselves in their minds.

For example, people who get many pimples on their faces think they will start dating only when all their spots are gone.

Or people who don’t have a slim body feel that only when they would get lean and muscular will they start dating.

When you carry such ideas in your head, you also fear getting rejected.

Fear of rejection also results from expecting life to be perfect and sorted.

So, the solution is to let go of PERFECTION.

It’s okay to get rejected.

It’s not necessary for the other person to like you.

Nobody is perfect.

No relationship is perfect.

It requires a constant effort to maintain or nurture any relationship.

Suggested summary: The mastery of love by Miguel Ruiz

Lesson #3: Learn to be content once you find someone decent.

Let’s say you have found a decent partner for yourself.

But what if there is someone else better than that?

Probably, there will always be someone better than your current partner, right?

This never settling tendency is great when you talk about career or personal growth, but it leads to dissatisfaction when it comes to relationships.

Those people who are never satisfied and are obsessed with making the best decision possible, the author calls them MAXIMIZERS.

Such people are always sad and keep thinking about how their present time could be better than it is now.

Even in a relationship, they keep thinking about that perfect imaginary partner who would solve all their problems and make them happy.

First, expecting your partner to solve your happiness problem is wrong.

Second, there is no perfect partner.

The author compares such people with job-seekers who keep hopping from one job to another but are never satisfied with any job.

In short, overthinking about how the present is not right is a perfect recipe for creating unhappiness.

Once you find a decent partner and there is harmony, you should stop your search and be satisfied with what you have.

All the time one spends searching the perfect partner also has an opportunity cost. One could use that same time to grow exponentially in other areas of life.

Lesson #4: Think about what your life will look like in the long term instead of imagining a romantic experience.

Most of our decisions are based on immediate gratification.

When people look for a dating partner, they don’t imagine someone they could rely on in the long term.

They focus on superficial features like:

• How excited do they feel when they are together?
• Do they look good together as a couple?
• How funny is the other person?
• How rich does the other person look?

And so on…

The author explains that all these ideas are consequences of present bias.

We focus on short-term gratification instead of thinking about the future.

For example, you don’t think about whether your partner will be a good parent to your kid or not.

Or is your partner wise enough to be with you?

Most people think, “what am I getting out of this relationship in the present?” instead of “How will the relationship affect my life in the long term?”

The consequence?

They choose the wrong partners.

It’s hard to be wise when you are young.

In other words, it’s impossible not to be attracted to girls and be thoughtful about the future.

But the author says that if you have grown up and are in your late 30, you should focus more on the long-term goals of the relationships.

Surprisingly, even when they have grown up, many people select their partners the same way a high-school kid would.

There is a lack of self-knowledge.

But why is this the case?

You see, many people, as we discussed, get the fundamental concepts of life from movies.

They imagine living a romantic relationship more than they do a real relationship.

There is always a clash between romanticism and realism.

You can find many couples who are not supposed to be together. Their goals don’t align. Their mindset is entirely different. But still, they struggle with each other.

You won’t want to be in that situation if you are sane.

But when we go on a date or think about getting married, we forget all these concepts. And thus, rely on immediate profits or losses, not the distant benefits or issues.

The author sarcastically says: “Nobody would like to imagine diarrhea on his first date.” One would instead think about making out and having fun, right?

That’s how powerful ‘PRESENT BIAS’ could get.

Remember, when you choose a partner, always imagine what the future would look like based on the habits and behavior of the other person.

Don’t let your emotions get in the way while making important decisions.

Lesson #5: You don’t have to follow the agenda of Mother Nature with blind faith.

It’s normal for boys to look for a hot girl to date and vice-versa.

But do you know why we tend to show this behavior?

It’s the agenda of Mother Nature.

Nature wants to multiply.

Beautiful people attract more opportunities in general.

So, for a gene to ensure its survival, it has to be passed on to an offspring who is more likely to survive.

The author found our tendency to treat beautiful people as superior exists because beautiful people were considered more healthy in the past.

They used to get a lot of attention and held more power of influence.

Even today, our minds think in the same way.

Logically, talented people should be more successful.

Unfortunately, we make decisions based on visual features and get influenced by the charisma of beautiful people.

Remember, you don’t need to worry about the agenda of your genes or nature.

It might have been helpful in the past.

But today, regardless of appearance, you can develop skills and succeed.

The author points out that beautiful people often don’t develop hard skills, as they get more opportunities quickly.

On the other side, people who don’t have shiny, glamorous bodies have to build challenging skills to survive the competition.

Remember, our societies are very much like a jungle.

The fittest people survive.

So, how does this affect your relationships?

Considering beauty as the only factor when selecting a partner means you blindly follow mother nature’s plan.

In the long term, it’s found that people who think beyond physical appearances are happier and satisfied with their relationships.

Physical beauty fades with time.

The beautiful woman or the handsome man you find so attractive today won’t have that appeal after a few years.

Many studies say that lust fades away with time after a man has kids. Nature wants men to produce as many kids as possible to ensure the survival of genes or DNA.

So realize this fact and take control of your life.

Don’t let your genes hold the steering wheel of your life and turn you into a puppet.

Lesson #6: Look for deeper characteristics to find a loyal partner.

You might wonder, “If the hotness, charisma, or other superficial traits aren’t much of a great factor, then what should one look for within a person?”

The solution here is to look at the factors that determine the quality of any relationship in the long term.

The first thing you should look for within the other person is the mindset to grow and tackle challenging circumstances.

If someone can’t handle harsh circumstances or doesn’t have the patience to sit, reflect, and evaluate their decision, they won’t be a good partner.

No matter how much you think about a relationship, problems will keep coming, says the author.

Unfortunately, that’s the nature of life.

But if your partner is worth living with, you must consider whether they can tackle challenges.

To tackle challenges, one must have a growth mindset.

Not a complaining mindset.

Imagine your partner blaming you for every problem in their life.

You wouldn’t want that, right?

The thing is, those who complain about circumstances never take any responsibility.

If you notice this characteristic in the person you are dating, consider it a red signal.

You must seek a partner to help you reach your higher potential, not blame you for every little concern in life.

This doesn’t mean other factors like money or class don’t matter.

They matter, but not as much as we think they do.

A humble person with a middle-class salary is far better than a rich man who can’t treat anybody with respect or kindness. (This is also one factor worth looking for.)

If a person values superficial stuff like money and appearance, he is more likely to cheat you in the future.

It means that if a girl is dating you just because you are rich, then as soon as she finds another man with more money, she won’t think twice before betraying you.

Why? Because money mattered to her more than anything else.

Many people ignore such deeper values and thus choose the wrong partner.

Now that you have realized it, I hope you won’t make wrong decisions while deciding a partner.

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How To Not Die Alone Key Takeaways

Here are some key points that we have discussed so far:

• The world has become more sophisticated with technology, and so has dating due to dating apps.
• Too options confuse us and make decision-making harder.
• One should not have realistic expectations from their partner.
• Don’t judge or decide on a partner while dating merely based on appearance and money.
• A person’s character decides the quality of a relationship in the long term.
• Lust or physical attraction fades away with time, so don’t make decisions that your hormones want you to make.
• Underestimated traits like trust, loyalty, mindset, etc., are more important than anything else to build great relationships.

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How To Not Die Alone by Logan Ury Review

I read this book online because it’s pretty expensive in my country.

I don’t usually read about dating.

And this was my first book on this topic.

And it has cleared many of my myths about dating and relationships.

I’m an introvert in many situations. So, I don’t get to meet many girls.

And for that reason, I was confused about how dating fits into the bigger picture of life.

If you look at young people, they are all about having fun.

But when you look at older people above 30, they worry more about paying bills and having trust than anything else.

When I was a kid, I always thought dating and relationships were separate.

I know it’s stupid, but as an introvert, I had no experience back then.

Still, I was right, as I knew that all that outer charm would fade away after a few months, and that’s when the real test of the strength of the relationship begins.

What are my thoughts on this book?

It’s an excellent guide for someone new to dating and planning to build a strong relationship.

The second half of this book is a bit repetitive.

But overall, I loved the author’s opinions as they don’t focus on temporary hacks, unlike so-called dating gurus on YouTube who teach tips and tricks to win the heart of hotties.

Get your copy on Amazon: Hardcover | Paperback | Audiobook

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More About the Author Of This Book

Logan Ury is a behavioral scientist turned dating coach.

She says that she always had an interest in learning about human behavior, relationships, and sex.

She has studied psychology at Harvard and has also been a part of Google’s behavioral science team.

Her work has been featured in The New York Times, The Washington Post, etc., as per her website.

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Now it’s your turn

There you have it.

I hope you learned a lot about building healthy relationships in this book summary.

Now you tell me:

What are your best takeaways from this summary?

Leave a comment below.